I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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