I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
