What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
