Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
