Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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