when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
