I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Actions speak louder than pants.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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