the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
