This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
