Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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