my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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