guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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