Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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