What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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