hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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