Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
