He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
