1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
