Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
