I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
