I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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