You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
