I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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