So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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