Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
