goodnight i made you a song goodbye
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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