I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
