definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
