my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I am mentally ready for anal.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
