Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
