i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
