I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
