Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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