just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
