I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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