Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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