I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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