I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I party with great urgency now.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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