Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
