i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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