You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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