man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
false alarm, still single
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
