This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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