my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
