I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
