We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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