It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
