My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
