I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
