am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
